It's Almost February

Sam's expected birthday was February 8th, 2014 and these thoughts are what keeps rolling through my mind, I hope that if someone else reading this has suffered pregnancy loss they may read this and know they are not alone, so...
 
It's almost February, but it's not going to be the February that I was expecting; I thought I'd be either great with child, or holding my baby in my arms, not missing him. I'm having foggy, surreal moments each day, which fills me with even more empathy for other mothers who have also walked through this type of loss. I'm living on a roller coaster emotionally, pressed low one moment, lifted and loving life's ride the next. I realize that Sam's life was near perfect, he never experienced any of the pain in this world, but instead went straight to be with our creator. This fills me with joy for him. But, I still miss getting to know him here with us.

It's almost February, and I can see and feel all the ways in which God has blessed me. I'm so glad I have my faith to make this experience much easier to bear. Another verse that recently gave me comfort was Ecclesiastes 7:1 where God points out that as a believer, our death will always be a better day than our birth. Yet, I also struggle often with "why me" and envious thoughts. When I see someone who will be welcoming a baby soon, although I feel excited for them I am also always aware of a pang of sadness and jealousy in my heart. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with friends and family who have been so sensitive and have shown me much love.

It's almost February, which means that time is marching on and I'm doing just fine. My life is filled with blessings and I'm almost always able to see those gifts instead of dwell on what I don't have. Although, I can't help but sometimes think that February would have been a time of celebration for our family; a month that should have been Sam's. Only God knows what the month will bring for our family. He has brought me to healing in many ways, and I know He will continue to love me well as I go through this tough spot.

It's almost February, and even though it's not what I was expecting, I know it will bring something positive. I'm doing well, and life is good. God loves me well, and shows his affection for me in small ways daily :)