Sam

Yesterday was probably the hardest day of my life. Writing down what happened that day and leading up to losing our baby, I believe, will be therapeutic for me. If this makes you squeemish, now is the time to stop reading. I feel that this topic is taboo, and although I understand why (because I really don't like to talk aloud about my loss), I also wish that it was more talked about because up to 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and many women go through this alone, feeling like they have no one to talk to. I was lucky to have some very close friends and my sister in law for support, since they themselves had lost a baby recently and were willing to help me through the process, and share their experiences.

During my follow up appointment on Monday we saw that our baby was still without life and I was still without symptoms of impending delivery. We considered our options; surgical removal in a hospital of our baby by d&c, taking cytotec to induce delivery either at home or in hospital, or waiting up to 2-4 more weeks for the baby to be born nautrally. Philip and I knew immediately that for us having surgery to remove our baby was not an option. I did not feel that waiting was the best decision for our family, especially because I would not be able to be a fully functional mom for Levi and Joel. So, we decided to use the induction medication at home.

My mom took Levi and Joel to stay at her house for 2 nights and Philip took off work to stay home with me. Bright and early Tuesday morning I started taking my medication and our sweet perfect baby was born at 11:30 am. I experienced little pain or bleeding those first few hours and we were able to spend time together. It was a huge blessing for me to be able to hold and see my precious baby. We were surprised to see that our baby was obviously another perfect little boy. I had been sick the first 11 weeks of the pregnancy, and we were convinced baby was a girl. But here he was, all 10 fingers, all 10 toes and an angelic little face. He even looked like he was calmly resting with a slight smile on his face. During the morning before his birth Philip and I had been considering bible verses to use in memory of our baby. There were a few I had written down that really spoke to us. Once he was born the verse for our son was clear to us. 1 Samuel 1:27-28. Therefore it also seemed obvious that we name him Sam.

Sam Boyer - July 30, 2013

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me 

what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. 

For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."

I had a little bit of a harder time delivering the placenta. It took about 6 hours and I lost more blood than we had hoped. I had a few hours were I was very light headed and spent my time lying in bed drinking poweraid and eating whatever I could. When I was up I was very weak and ended up fainting a couple times. Philip took excellent care of me, was so strong, and I think it was very good for him to feel involved and have something he could do. He was such a blessing to me and I am so thankful we could go through this trial together. Once I delivered the placenta the bleeding immediately and dramatically slowed, and I began feeling much better. After a warm lavendar salt bath and a little more resting we decided it was time to have our memorial service for Sam.

Philip had purchased a small pine box, a jasmine plant and some wood for a trellis. I wrote Sam's name, birthday and the bible verse on the box, and we buried it in our back yard, planting the flowering vine (one of Philip's favorites) over our son. We then took some time to pray and cry together. It was such a special time for us, and I am so glad we chose to have Sam at home so that we could give him and his life the respect it deserved. For us, this was the absolute best way we could go through this awful day.

I am heartbroken, this is the most sorrow and grief I have ever felt. Yet, I know I will survive. God has been with us so much throughout this trial from the moment I found out on Friday evening until now. He has surrounded us with loving support. My mom and sister cooked delicious meals without being asked, and took excellent care of my boys while I was unable. So many people have been praying for us, offering help and support and we are overwhelmed by the peace this has given us. My midwife has gone above and beyond to check in on me and help us do what we felt was right for our family. She has cried with me and prayed with me and I will never forget that. Thank you to everyone for the e-mails, messages, texts and notes of prayer, support and encouragement. God has been working through you to carry Philip and I through the tough days.

Sam will always hold a special place in our hearts, and I know we will never forget him. We wish we could have gotten to know him and see him play with his brothers. However, even in his very short life, he has changed me so much. I thank God for the blessing of his life knowing it has made me stronger, given me the opportunity to be a support to someone else in the future, and helped Philip and I see the beauty and importance in every day. Thank you Lord for Sam, we can't wait to meet him and You one day in Heaven.

I'd like to share a few special bible verses that have helped me through these last few days. Some were shared by friends, others I found on my own, all given by God to provide us comfort:

Romans 8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Hebrews 13:8 -Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 -My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalm 34:18 -The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 -Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I hope that one day with God's help I am able to help a friend who is suffering through a miscarriage. My friends who were honest and open with me about their experiences with miscarriage have been a huge help and comfort. One particular friend acted as God's hands and voice to me as she shared her experiences losing her baby at 12 weeks less than a year ago. Her support and advice about how she and her husband made the same decisions we did, and how her experience was as she lost her baby were immeasurably helpful to me. You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can be that for someone one day. Perhaps even through this post someone will find comfort knowing they are not alone.

Bicycle Birthday Bash!

These past few days have been some of the hardest of my life, and I have pretty much been keeping to myself spending time with my little family, and talking to a few friends by text only. I've just found that talking can get me to crying and I'm so so tired of crying. But, Levi's birthday party was planned and scheduled for Saturday morning. I was determined to keep Levi's party a happy event focused on him and celebrating one of my most favorite days ever, the day I became a mom and met my sweet boy. It turned out to be a wonderful morning (thanks in large part to a lot of help from my family) and it was a very welcome, happy distraction from my grief.

Levi had some very specific requests for his birthday party this year. Thankfully all these requests added up to a very easy, laid back party. Everyone there had a great time; I think Levi is quite the party planner :) All he wanted was to eat lunch and ride bikes and scooters with his friends. He wanted to have a race and a "obstacle course" for activities, hot dogs, lemonade, chips and watermelon for lunch and ice cream cones (NO CAKE!) for dessert. He wanted to give his friends candy, parachute men and necklaces (so the girls and boys would both have something they liked). Balloons and party horns were a must for decorations AND there needed to be enough for each of his friends to take one home. My sister Kate made the lemonade and took some great pictures for me, Philip did the grilling and hung the birthday banner, my Dad cut up the watermelon, my Mom and Kate did the decorating and all I did was assemble the party favor bags and "obstacle course" (with some help from my Mom). On top of all that we had the party at the church in the kitchen and gym area, so there was little set up needed, and I didn't have to worry about getting my house ready! Perfect :)

Ready to party!

Levi's gifts for his buddies

Nora and Levi zoomed around like wild!

Uncle Colton was so sweet to Joel and helped him with his bike for at least 30 minutes! Joel was in heaven!

Getting ready for the obstacle course

they weaved between cones, threw a football into a basket...

and then kicked a ball across the gym.

Moe helping Rooni compete :)

Levi wanted everyone to get a medal

sweet friends enjoying lunch

Ready...Set...

GO!!!

Big 4 year old racing and LOVING it :)

Levi got some great gifts!

He LOVED getting sung to...

and blowing out the candle!

blue cone + chocolate ice cream =

pure joy!

goofy birthday boy :)

I am more aware today than before of what a blessing it is to have this precious little boy in our lives! Thank you so much to everyone who came to Levi's party, helped with the set up, clean up and child wrangling. It was a special morning and Levi had an absolute blast (and I think all his friends did too)! A great bright spot in my week, and a perfect way to celebrate my little Levi love :)

Loss

Last night, after my shift at work, I decided to take a sneak peak of our baby with the sonogram machine. Almost as soon as I put the transducer on my belly I knew something was wrong. I searched and looked closely, but couldn't find a heart beat. My baby was totally still when previously I'd seen lots of movement. I asked a friend of mine to come and look, and she couldn't find one either. She called my midwife and she confirmed our fears. The baby has died. My sweet, perfect baby was no more. I'm still in shock because I had seen my baby twice with a perfect heart beat, and even kicking legs and arms a couple of weeks ago. At 12 weeks you feel you are out of the danger zone.

I know I will be ok. Unfortunately, many women go through this, and some of my best friends have had miscarriages recently, and are already giving me great support.  But I'm just so so sad. I've cried and cried and can hardly stop thinking about my loss.

Our friends and family are praying for me and offering support and help. I know God is sad with me, and will be right with Philip and I through out this trial. He will give me strength and comfort.

Philip will be going with me on Monday morning for a follow up appointment. Please be praying for us to make the best decisions about how to go forward. So far I have no symptoms and feel fine other than fatigue and overwhelming sadness. Monday is going to be a very hard, hard day. Thank you to everyone who's been praying already.

Birthday Date

Philip and I decided that we would take Levi on a surprise birthday date with just the two of us on his birthday. So, we dropped Joel off at a friends house and took our excited little 4 year old out for a treat. We didn't tell him where we were going, and he was all questions in the car on the way. Levi had never been to a movie theater before, and we decided he was old enough to sit through 2 hours of a picture of the big screen.

When we pulled up to the theater he had no idea where we were. I guess we had never really even talked about the movies with him before. We bought our tickets for Monsters University, got some popcorn, a slurpee and a lemonade and headed to find seats. He was in AWE of the "humungous TV!" We explained to him that we were going to see a movie, and he was very excited. The previews were already rolling and as soon as he started watching we could no longer get him to talk to us, answer any questions or smile for a picture. He pretty much stared with a zombie expression at the screen from start to finish only to pause occasionally to eat popcorn or sip a drink. At one point he did get a little confused about why the characters were learning to scare kids when the monsters don't scare anymore...the ideal of a prequel was a little lost on him. (We own Monsters Inc and he has watched it several times...it scares him a little, and he always reminds himself while watching, "it's just for pretend, and they are nice and funny at the end") Oops!

He was so into the movie that he refused to go to the restroom until it was over even though he was wiggling in his seat for about the last 20-30 minutes. After the movie ended he said that is was "super amazing" so I would say it was a success. As we walked out we let him decided where we would go for dinner. His choice of "Inn and Out Burgers" was no surprise, although Chick-fil-A would have been no shock either. We have no idea why he is so into this place. We went with some friends one time just to see what it was like and he has requested it constantly ever since. Not that we mind, it is super cheap! Since we rarely eat out or get fast food, this was certainly a special treat and Levi was overly excited. He was even given a "fancy hat" as he requested and a chocolate/vanilla shake for dessert.

All through the meal he was giggling and grinning, making it extra fun for Philip and I. It was a special evening celebrating our favorite 4 year old, and one I'm sure we will never forget!

Levi is 4!

Today Levi turns 4 years old! It is hard to believe that 4 whole years have gone by since that early morning birth of our sweet little love. At the same time, it feels like he has always been a part of our family, and I can hardly remember what life was like before him. He has his 4 year check up in a couple of weeks, and I will do a longer "Levi at age 4" post at that time. Today, I'm just thinking back to the day he was born (after that long, long, oh so fun labor) and our first few days together snuggling. I spent a few moments looking through all the folders of pictures I have of Levi through the years; we sure have been given some wonderful days together!

less than an hour old

about 12 hours old

1st birthday!

2nd Birthday!

3rd Birthday!

4 years old!

I'm pretty sure that God made me to be a mom. Even though it is really hard sometimes and there are plenty of days I grit my teeth and feel like pulling my hair out, I wouldn't trade this opportunity and blessing of motherhood for the world! I love Levi fiercely and I'm pretty certain he loves me with all his heart too. Lately he will just come up to be out of the blue and give me the biggest hugs followed by lots of kisses. Melts my heart! Thank you Lord for allowing me the chance to raise Levi. Please help us guide him to know and love you and live the life you would want him to live.

Aloha Kauai!

Our family returned Saturday from a wonderful week long trip to Kauai, Hawaii!! My Dad has been commuting a lot over these last few years and racked up quite a few airline points. My parents decided to generously use up those points flying all 14 of us (my siblings and their families, and my parents) to Kauai round trip. Thanks Dad for all your hard work and for sharing your rewards with us! Philip and I were both a little worried about how the long days of travel and the time change would effect our boys, but were pleasantly surprised that it all went fairly well. Yes, there were a lot of early mornings and a few tears shed, but all in all it went alright :). Levi and Joel were excited to ride an airplane again, and enjoyed the endless supply of snacks and shows (whatever it takes to keep somewhat quiet!). Levi thought the airplane bathroom was super fun (who knows why!) so we made a trip to the back of the plane about every 30-45 minutes it seemed.

We arrived to Kauai late on Saturday evening and went straight to sleep in our comfy beds at the Marriott Resort. The boys woke up before the sun ready to go and we enjoyed a little balcony time before heading down to a yummy breakfast with all the family as soon as the restaurant opened. The rest of the morning we all enjoyed the enormous pool, and beautiful Kalapaki beach. After a yummy lunch over looking the shore we headed up for naps and to pack up for the remainder of our stay which was at a beach house in Anahola.

the kids LOVED this slide!

not too shabby of a view and pool, eh?!

Our home for the week was wonderful! The beach house had 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms and lots of living space so we had plenty of room even with 14 people under one roof. Levi and Joel LOVED sharing a bed and were so sweet cuddling together each night. Not only was the house good for our big bunch, but the Anahola beach was stunning! There was a long shore line of soft white sand, a pretty coral reef at one end with a beautiful view of the Kalaea mountains and the mouth of the Anahola river at the other end with more mountain views and calm tidal pools to swim in.

Day 1: We spent the morning at the Marriot as mentioned, then headed to the Anahola beach house got settled in and did some grocery shopping.

Day 2: Philip and I woke bright and early to head out on a deep sea fishing charter. We had a wonderful time! Thank you to Moe and Pop for watching to boys while we fished. According to Pop and Moe the kiddos had a blast playing on the beach, eating lunch and then were in bed napping when we arrived home. On our charter we were with 4 other adults the captain and his deck hand on a large boat. As a group we caught 10-12 skip jack tuna that were about 5-10 pounds each and 4 yellow fin tuna ranging from 10-35 pounds. I was lucky enough to catch the biggest fish of the day, the 35 pound yellow fin tuna, with a lot of help from Philip. It was so much fun to fight that strong fish, and my arms were sore for the next couple of days from all the pulling and reeling! We spent the rest of that day relaxing at the beach house and enjoying the beach (which was a "locals" beach, so rarely had other people there), relaxing, boogie boarding and playing.

the smallest girl caught the biggest fish :)

I like this picture because it is a snapshot of what a lot of our beach time looked like :)

the kids loved playing with the coconuts near the house

Day 3: All 14 of us loaded up in the rental cars and took the beautiful drive to the north coast of Kauai and the Ke'e Beach/Hanakapi'ai Trail near the amazing Napali coast. Philip, Ryan, Molly and my Dad spent the morning hiking while the rest of us hung out on the beach, played with the kids and took turns snorkeling. This is probably my favorite beach on Kauai because of the stunning views, great snorkeling (Dustin and I saw hundreds of fish and a huge sea turtle) and calm waters. After lunch on the beach we headed back to the beach house for naps, to relax at the house and one of many yummy meals for dinner (I must say, we have some really great cooks in our family! We ate well while on this vacation!).

I took Levi snorkeling...as soon as he saw one fish he freaked out saying, "there are big grouper fish out there that can get me" and refused to snorkel any more. We had fun getting all suited up though! Baby #3 is showing in this shot!

the scene every morning...up before the sun and enjoying a show :)

newly weds by the Hanakapi'ai falls

all 4 hikers made it to the top!

that's some amazing water!

I was a little bummed to miss these views!

Day 4: We headed out to rent surf boards in the morning, had a bit of a rough time finding a beach were the surfers could surf and we rest of us could cook and play with the kids, and eventually ended up back at the beach house to enjoy a delicious lunch and some time on "our" awesome beach. After naps we all showered, dressed up and headed to the south shore for a Luau. The luau was right on the Poipu beach! All of us really enjoyed our time together at the luau. The show was great and all 4 kids (as well as the adults) were enthralled. Levi told us after the show he was "very instrested" in the hula girls...not that we didn't notice. His mouth was open and eyes fixed almost entirely start to finish.

I'd say these kids like the beach ;)

I think they still had fun, even though they didn't catch many waves

they all had smiles despite the beating the received

Levi LOVED boogie boarding

ah to be childless :) two cute girls enjoying a beach side read!

All 14 of the family at the luau!

 

Day 5: We enjoyed a laid back morning, complete with some fun with a toad my mom found. Seth, Morgan, Dustin and my Dad headed out early to do some peacock bass fishing. Once again, the girl caught the only fish, way to go Morgan! After breakfast the rest of us drove over to see the stunning and famous Wailua falls, and then headed over the the Kuilau Ridge Trail for some kiking. The hike went along a wide path surrounded by lush vegetation and beautiful views of the valleys on either side of the ridge. It was a mile up to a picnic area (where we enjoyed water and snacks) and then a mile back to the trail head where we parked. The kids did great and we all enjoyed seeing a different view of the island. When the fishers returned home from their trip we loaded up and headed to Hanalei Bay for the afternoon. The waves were not really big enough for surfing like we had hoped, but we still had a nice time relaxing on the beach, enjoying the pretty views and watching the kids play in the tidal pools.

the pictures don't do justice to the beauty of all the green!

All the happy hikers at the top!

snack break :)

soon to be Mr & Mrs

newly wed long walk on the beach...

sibling love on Hanalei beach

the feeling is mutual :)

Day 6: This was our last day on the island and we were all feeling a little sad that we didn't have more time. I'm not sure you could take a vacation long enough to see all there is to see and do all there is to do on this remarkable island! So, we made the most of our morning. Philip woke up early and headed out to try his luck at spear fishing along the coral reef near the house. He was didn't see much since it was low tide, but he was glad to have had the chance to get out his spear. The women and the kids hit the beach early in search of "treasures" as Nora stated and enjoyed a walk on the beach followed by a good bit of time at the mouth of the river. Dustin, Ryan and Philip joined us later and also enjoyed the beautiful views and watching the kids frolic for one last moment.

sweet time enjoying the view and time together

Precious Nora was proud of her castle

heading down to the beach for one last boogie board session

searching for treasures

We have been home for a couple of days, and are slowly adjusting to Texas time and our normal routine. The boys have been sleeping extra late and having a hard time going to bed, but are doing well other wise. We miss the beach, our family and all the beauty of Kauai...maybe one day we will make it back!